I’ve been here a few times. I’ve started posts, and somehow abandoned them, overwhelmed or maybe even just uninterested. I admit, I didn’t read any. I simply withdrew.
Things got bad, but of course I cannot elaborate except to say if you are a parent, what is the worst thing you can imagine for your child? It falls into that realm. It’s strange when it’s someone else’s story, but it’s your story, too – but not enough that you can tell anyone. Between that and several other things, I basically told 2019 to not let the door hit it on its way out. Now, it seems like normalcy got off the train a few stops ago, maybe even in horrible 2019.
I know now that we, the world, are in a liminal phase. The last time I felt this, it was in the days following 9/11. I had my very young children around me, with the morning news on while I puttered around with laundry (how mundane, but true), and I saw it happen in real time. I remember feeling the bottom, that base of normalcy, floating away and leaving an unbalanced and shifting feeling in its wake.
It was like dropping a pebble in a well you couldn’t see down into, and waiting to hear the clink below, so you’d know. It’s the wait, the wondering, the holding of the breath and not knowing how things are really going to change. In many ways, this wait is far more difficult than facing the aftermath once things settle.
And here we wait.
I have funny stories to share from these strange days, and I will definitely share them. I will return to posting, and being more uplifting as well. However, for this post… for this evening, I simply feel heavy with the held breath and waiting to hear that damn pebble.